How to Teach a Child with ADHD to Give a Compliment

Why is it important for the child with ADHD to learn to give a compliment? Don’t children give compliments naturally?

Children without ADHD may in fact give compliments freely and easily, but children with ADHD typically do not. They do not realize and understand why it is important to give compliments to peers, and so they do not do so. Even though their parents and siblings give compliments and they seemingly observe them doing so, they do not internalize that social skill.



When I explain to children with ADHD with whom I work why it is important to give their peers compliments and teach them how to do so, I explain that giving compliments is all about being nice to someone. When a child is nice to another person, it makes him feel good. It may also be an indication to the other child that he is making an effort to make friends. Trying to teach a child with ADHD to behave nicely toward another child can be a challenge, however.


For example, I am having a difficult time trying to explain and convince a five-year-old whom I am teaching social skills to agree with me that even though someone may have annoyed him, he still should be nice to that person. He says that he cannot be nice to another child because this child does not listen to his teacher. He told me that the other child’s teacher gives him “strikes” every time he does not listen. When I asked him why it is his business if the teacher manages the other child’s behavior in this way, he laughed! He clearly only wants to be friends with children who behave; that is so interesting in consideration of the fact that he himself, a child with ADHD, as well as other children with ADHD, often has difficulty exhibiting socially appropriate behavior!


A child with ADHD has to be able to understand other people’s actions before he is able to give another person a compliment. How would he do so? The teacher can coach the child to follow these steps:

• Watch the person, carefully

Ask yourself:

•  Does the person have a new outfit on?
•  Does the person have a new haircut?
•  Has the person helped out a peer?
•  Has the person helped out an adult?
• Has the person performed a task well, such as getting a hit in softball at recess or making  delicious cookies for the class?

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How do you know if your child with ADHD experiences anxiety before they participate in a new activity?

Many children with ADHD experience anxiety that follows them everywhere. Clearly, not all children with ADHD have paired anxiety, but that being said, many of them do. You might be asking yourself that you start a new activity without any anxiety and your other children begin a new activity without any perceptible anxiety, so why does your child with ADHD have anxiety when he participates in a new activity? Oftentimes, there is no actual reason, except for the fact that anxiety may be part of a child’s symptoms of ADHD.

What are some signs that will alert you as to whether or not your child with ADHD experiences anxiety upon beginning something new? Here are a few signs:

 He refuses to go to the activity

 He goes to his room and refuses to come out

 He says, “I’ll go next time, but not today.”

 He shows some of the more typical external signs of anxiety, such as, shaking, perspiring, pacing, twitching, shortness of breath and/or an upset stomach

Oftentimes, parents do not wait for a professional to tell them that their child has a diagnosis of anxiety before having a conversation with their child about his anxiety. (However, it is ESSENTIAL to obtain a diagnosis from a professional if you suspect that your child has anxiety, in terms of what symptoms to anticipate, in addition to when, why and how to predict those symptoms, as well as to decide if medication is indicated.) What I mean, is that a parent typically observes a child’s symptoms of anxiety before anyone else does so. How can you help your child to diminish his anxiety? Check out my next entry…

Question Hour

Ask your questions about ADHD today between 10:00 and 11:00 and you will recieve a quick reply.

Bullying: After Reading some Actual Examples, how do you know if a Child with ADHD has been bullied?

We seem to be hearing about incidents of bullying more frequently lately. It is possible that better communication of such terrible incidents is available due to the Internet or seemingly, maybe more children are being bullied. No matter what the reason, parents and teachers must understand, accept, and act quickly to stop children from being bullied.



If you are skeptical about whether or not children are being bullied, please read these stories from actual children who have been bullied. The names associated with these children are not their real names, but instead, are faux names.


This is a fact: Children with ADHD are often bullied or become bullies. The homeschool parents in my research and many others tried to prevent their children from being bullied as they had been in school by home schooling them. Of the children in my research, however, all reported being bullied when they attended school, as Daniel related:


Oh, um, this one kid, I was riding my bike down the sidewalk


onto Maple Street, and I come out of the gate. I turn and go


through this little area with trees. That’s where this little kid


jumped me. Well one day, I got past all that, and then crossed


the street. I have to turn again, go down the street, turn again,


coming through the gate that leads to this neighborhood. Well,


on the way down the road before the gate, this little kid, he


was riding a skateboard and like, he was just riding past me,


and like, he stopped and got off, and started riding very slowly.


Then he stopped and got off, and stood there and like tried


jumping in my way. So I had to turn around ’em real quick, and


I went kind of far, but then my pant leg got stuck in my chain.


So then I yanked that out. It embarrassed me. I started going


again. He caught up with me. He was just riding along the same


side as me pushing me, so I had to go on the grass and pedal a


lot faster.


As Daniel continued to talk to me, I had to hold back the tears. He told me in an emotionally laden voice another instance when he was bullied on the way home from school:


This one kid tried to steal my bike. He jumped on the back pegs


and started taking it from me, and whenever I’m coming home


from school, I have to be careful a lot because I’m riding my


bike. I was just walking my bike because they’re just too many


kids. I can’t ride around them, just walk it. And he jumped on


the pegs. I held a firm grip. He tried, like, yanking it out of my


hand. I ended up falling, and he fell along with the bike on top


of me, pressed it up against my chest. I couldn’t breathe.


Max spoke of his horrific experiences in one among several instances of his being bullied in school:


Actually, the boys make it a coincidence. You know how they’ll


have it so you forget your books and you’ll be made fun of?


When you’re not looking, they’ll take your books and hide


them somewhere. So when you’re in your darkest hour, when


everybody’s kind of laughing, like ohhhh, that’s when they’ll


turn on you.


Well, like one time when I was in the cafeteria with my


friends, with me and Bob one of the kids grabbed me and tried


to punch me. I mean, I don’t know why he grabbed me, I don’t


know why he tried to punch me, and then he was able to nick


me, and then later that day, when I was planning to get into the


portables, he came back up to me, he punched me. I didn’t do


anything; I just stood there.


One time, I tried fighting back but I started thinking about


my dad, and wondering, oh my gosh, what am I going to get


myself into? I’m going to have to face the wrath of my dad. So


I stopped, ended up being beaten up. I had to hide. They beat


me up like around the chest.


Yeah, I just want to be somewhere to fit. It’s like a circle,


everybody’s inside the circle except for me and some other


people. There are probably other people probably getting in,


they’re probably getting in, being happy and stuff and being


part of the crowd, while I’m still outside.


Do parents know that their children have been bullied? Some do. Daniel’s mom knew that he had been bullied and began to focus on the subject of bullying. However, she did not know how to start, as she told me later. Daniel always appeared to be confident and vulnerable at the same time. His confidence came in the form of jokes. His vulnerability came in the form of telling people about friendships that were either never made or made and never continued. Daniel’s mom told me about her and her husband’s focus on helping Daniel to handle the instances when he was bullied.


Daniel was having, was mostly having problems in middle school with bullying. He started coming home every day, and sometimes he came home crying. He’d come home with an asthma attack because the kids were jumping him, knocking over his bike, stealing his bike. My husband and I tried to encourage him to be tougher and stand up for himself but it’s not his nature. So, um, that was the main thing that I started to focus on.


Other parents do not know that their children have been bullied, as Debra confirmed. I began to believe that many parents did not know that their children were the victims of bullying. How could that be? Children who have been bullied often keep it a deep, dark secret, fearing reprisal from the bullies if anyone finds out. Oftentimes, if children do not discuss a topic, parents do not ask important questions related to that topic.


One of the children to whom I teach social skills commented to me recently that “When I am teased it is not a big deal because it is nothing major; it is just for a laugh.” I was stunned that he had rationalized that being teased does not hurt feelings but just makes other children laugh! I then asked him if having other children laugh at him hurts his feelings. He said no. These children need to be taught how to approach bullies and diminish their negative impact if they are to have fun and succeed in extracurricular activities.


Teachers and parents must look for signs from children with ADHD that will give them a clue as to whether or not they have been bullied. One sign may be when a child who was previously energetic spends most of his time hiding in quiet places, or perhaps no longer talks and laughs at the dinner table. Another signal may be that he does not want to leave his house.


One hint: Every teacher and every parent knows each child with ADHD’s typical behavior. If the child’s behavior is aberrant from his everyday behavior, try to speak to the child when no one else is around. Perhaps buy a book about a child who has been bullied and see if and how the child responds. A good book that teachers and parents can read to children with ADHD from six to twelve years old that teaches children how to behave toward bullies is Blue Cheese and Stinky Feet by Catherine de Pino (2004).


Whatever you do, follow your hunches and do not ignore the child’s atypical or unusual behaviors. A teacher has the luxury of reading to small groups of children at a time so the child whom the teacher suspects has been bullied does not feel pinpointed or subjected to embarrassment. The teacher should suggest that the child with ADHD spend private time with him or her to discuss his experiences of being bullied and to guarantee confidentiality.


Whether or not parents or teachers know if children have been bullied, it is nevertheless humiliating and damaging to a child’s self-esteem if it is occurring. Additionally, even if parents and teachers know that a child has been bullied, they usually do not know how to teach these children good defensive techniques to protect themselves from this horrific experience.


Educators and parents must teach children who have ADHD to be proactive and to tell an adult immediately if children are bullying them. Additionally, educators and parents must teach children who have ADHD the methods of approaching and interacting with bullies so that they are able to stop the latter from harassing them. You will find some books on bullying listed in the Bibliography from my book, particularly some books on cyberbullying, which is a new added danger to children with ADHD. (http://www.amazon.com/ADHD-Social-Skills-Step---Step/dp/1607092808/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1295624637&sr=8-1)


So, social skills deficits certainly are present in children with ADHD. These social skills deficits obstruct these children’s ability to make and keep friends and to have successful social experiences. We must all understand one thing: children with ADHD do not want to behave in a socially inappropriate way. They just cannot help it. They must be taught appropriate social skills over a long period of time to learn to regulate their own behavior, so they can make friends and experience successful social interactions.

Methods to Teach Children with ADHD to Give a Compliment

It might facilitate the child with ADHD’s understanding of the other child’s behavior for the teacher to take a video of the other child (with the parents’ permission). Show the video to the child with ADHD. Point out to the child with ADHD exactly what the child does that demonstrates that he is being helpful. This video can be a two- or three-minute video from any still digital camera to which the teacher has access. How should a child give a compliment?


The teacher, the teacher’s assistant, or an aide can serve as a coach to the child with ADHD and teach him to do the following:






✱ If the child with ADHD is interacting with the other child in some way, then the natural thing would be to give a compliment while they are interacting. If they are playing at recess, the child with ADHD can say, “Jess, your outfit looks cool,” for example. Presumably, the other child will say “Thank you,” and then the child with ADHD can say, “You are welcome.” Or . . .






✱ “Those are delicious cookies that you made. Can you give me the recipe?” Or . . .






✱ “What a great hit you made today at softball in recess. It helped us to win the game.”


These responses will not be automatic with the child with ADHD, however. You will have to practice faux scenarios and teach the child with ADHD to role play so he learns how to give a compliment. Role playing is a skill that has to be taught to the child with ADHD so he can practice any of the social skills interventions that I discuss here. If the child with ADHD is not currently involved with the child in question but would like to give a compliment, how would he do so? In that case the child can try the following:






✱ Walk near to the child.






✱ Make a judgment, by evaluating the other child’s body language, if the other child is “available.” What do I mean by “available”? A child might be “available” if he has a smile on his face. The other child may also be “available” if he looks up in a forthcoming way when the child with ADHD approaches and says hello to the child or if he gives any indication that he would like to make a friend.






✱ If the child with ADHD deems that the other child is “available,” then he can offer a compliment, as above.


What are some other typical compliments that a child can give to another child? Here are some examples:






✱ “Those are cool sneakers? Where did you find them?”






✱ “I like your braids.”






✱ “That is a great jacket. I bet it keeps you warm.”






✱ “I like the star you painted. It looks like a real star.”






✱ “The name on your desk that you designed looks awesome.”


Your job as a teacher in this process is to make sure that the compliments one child is giving to another are not self-deprecating. The child with ADHD needs practice, practice, and more practice in order to learn how to give compliments fairly and gracefully, without showing any vulnerability.


Teachers can use puppets to instruct children with ADHD to practice giving compliments. You can make up little vignettes quite easily that will incorporate a child giving another child a compliment. Here are a few examples that you can try:






✱ Two children are making block buildings next to each other. One of the buildings is very high, built by stacking the blocks one on top of another by size order. What could the child who did not build the high structure say to the other? What could the child who did build the high structure say to the other?






✱ One child comes to school with new sneakers and a new book bag. What could another child say to him?






✱ One child comes to school with a new haircut after the weekend. What could another child say to him?






✱ On Friday afternoon, before leaving for home, one child cleans his desk and organizes his pencils, crayons, scissors, paper, and other materials in specific sections in his desk. What could the other child say to him?






✱ Even though the teacher did not ask her to do it, one girl made cookies for the whole class for someone’s birthday. What could another child say to her?






✱ The teacher hurt her arm the day before and is wearing a soft cast. One child helps her pick up papers that dropped on to the floor. What could another child say to her?

Teaching a Child with ADHD to Give a Compliment

Why is it important for the child with ADHD to learn to give a compliment? Don’t children give compliments naturally? Children without ADHD may in fact give compliments freely and easily, but children with ADHD typically do not. They do not realize and understand why it is important to give compliments to peers, and so they do not do so. Even though their parents and siblings give compliments and they seemingly observe them doing so, they do not internalize that social skill.

When I explain to children with ADHD with whom I work why it is important to give their peers compliments and teach them how to do so, I explain that giving compliments is all about being nice to someone. When a child is nice to another person, it makes him feel good. It may also be an indication to the other child that he is making an effort to make friends. Trying to teach a child with ADHD to behave nicely toward another child can be a challenge, however.

For example, I am having a difficult time trying to explain and convince a five-year-old to whom I am teaching social skills to agree with me that even though someone may have annoyed him, he still should be nice to that person. He says that he cannot be nice to another child because this child does not listen to his teacher. He told me that the other child’s teacher gives him “strikes” every time he does not listen. When I asked him why it is his business if the teacher manages the other child’s behavior in this way, he laughed! He clearly only wants to be friends with children who behave; that is so interesting in consideration of the fact that he himself, a child with ADHD, as well as other children with ADHD, often has difficulty exhibiting socially appropriate behavior! A child with ADHD has to be able to understand other people’s actions before he is able to give another person a compliment. How would he do so?

The teacher can coach the child to follow these steps:



✱ Watch the person, carefully.

✱ Ask yourself:

✱ Does the person have a new outfit on?

✱ Does the person have a new haircut?

✱ Has the person helped out a peer?

✱ Has the person helped out an adult?

✱ Has the person performed a task well, such as getting a

hit in softball at recess or making delicious cookies for

the class?

If the child with ADHD recognizes that the child with whom he is in an interaction exhibited the behavior just mentioned, then he can be taught to give a compliment. It is more important to teach this social skill if the child with ADHD does not understand how helpful the other child has been.