My Comments on a Parent's Statement that Children with ADHD should not be permitted to Participate in some Activities: Are you Kidding??

I received a rather upsetting question/comment awhile back about which I would like to comment. Here is the comment by a parent of a child who does not have ADHD:

“What can I do as a parent of a non-ADD or ADHD affected child, from thinking how "annoying" the ADHD kids are? For example, one little boy (ADHD- I overheard his mom telling the instructor) really disrupted a summer sports lesson tonight. The other kids were upset, the other parents were upset. My child has already expressed she does not want to go back. Some activities should not allow these children there. His mom was really trying but it was not enough.”

I became very upset when I read the sentence “Some activities should not allow these children there.” Many thoughts came to mind, with the very first one being “What has gone wrong in our world for parents to want to exclude another child from activities just because his behavior may be a little annoying?” How would that parent have felt if THEIR child was not permitted to participate in an activity?  

 Sadly, people like the person who commented to me just did not get it. What did they not get? They did not understand that children with ADHD do not want to behave in the way that they arguably do. They would much rather behave in an acceptable way which would be conducive to making friends. 

The most often asked question I am asked by a child with ADHD is, “Why don’t I have friends?” These children have social skills deficits that prevent them from learning positive skills, which leads them to exhibit inappropriate behavior.

The good news is that positive social skills can be taught, if they are taught by someone who is responsive to the child with ADHD’s learning strengths and learning styles.

Parents are their children’s first teachers. How can a parent educate their child to accept those children who are different if they themselves do not want them around?

TO ALL PARENTS WHO ARE READING THIS BLOG ENTRY:

Please let us remember that our children model our thoughts, ideas, actions and behavior. If a parent is critical of another child’s behavior and expresses the fact that a certain child should not be permitted to remain in an activity, the child himself will take on his parents’ beliefs and ideas as his own, which will lead to that child rebuffing and rejecting children with ADHD. Is that the kind of exclusive rather than inclusive behavior that our children should be taught today?

"I Forget to do Things because I have ADHD." When does that Argument Lose its Appeal?

Children with ADHD must become accountable for themselves. However, accountability and self-regulation may not appear to be easily accomplished, because these children’s ADHD may arguably cause them to exhibit certain symptoms.

One of the most persistent symptoms that characterizes children and adolescents with ADHD is forgetting.  Even though it is true that children with ADHD do forget to do certain things, which is actually a well-referenced symptom of ADHD, at some point, they must become accountable for their actions.

It is definitely more difficult for children and adolescents with ADHD to remember to do their homework, to put their homework in their school bags, to hang their clothes up in the closet, to pick up their toys, among other examples. However, the fact that they have ADHD may not be used as an excuse for their forgetting.

What happens if children with ADHD are permitted to use their ADHD as an excuse for their forgetting to do specific responsibilities? They then will arguably blame their difficulty remembering as well as their other symptoms on their ADHD, as well. 

Why is it so critical that children and adolescents with ADHD not blame their actions, such as forgetting on their ADHD? If they blame their symptoms on their ADHD, they will not work to try to learn certain methods of diminishing those symptoms. Therefore, they will not become responsible for their actions.

I have taught many children and adolescents with ADHD to become more adept at remembering. However, in order to ensure that they will succeed at learning those methods, they must be on board in terms of understanding that instead of blaming their forgetting as merely an unavoidable symptom of ADHD, they need to learn techniques that will help them to self-regulate and diminish their symptoms. In that way, they will be able to reduce their symptoms, such as forgetting.

Therefore, one of the most important lessons for children and adolescents with ADHD to learn is to become accountable for their actions. If they can learn to be responsible for their actions, these children will be on their way way to enjoying happy and successful lives, where they are responsible and accountable.

How to Help Children with ADHD to Organize their Thoughts and Ideas

Children with ADHD often have difficulty organizing their thoughts and ideas, which arguably may lead to them “getting stuck” in terms of articulating their ideas. In fact, this difficulty in terms of organizing their thoughts may lead to their speaking in sentences that are unrelated in topic to each other. How do people with whom these children are speaking respond to this type of disorganized conversation?

They invariably become annoyed because as much as they try, it is very difficult to maintain a conversation with someone who jumps from topic to topic. So, what can you do to help your child to speak in a more organized way?

In consideration that it is likely that he cannot discriminate whether or not his thoughts and statements are organized, it might be a good idea to write down his statements on small pieces of paper for him.  Read each sentence to him aloud. 

Then, tell him to read the sentences aloud to you. Ask him to organize the sentences in chronological order, i.e., which one should be said first, second, third, etc. As he is reading each sentence, ask him if each sentence should follow the one before it in terms of their meaning.

If you determine that his organization of the sentences is not in a chronologically correct order, have him read one sentence aloud at a time and ask him if the sentence that follows is in the correct chronological order.

If he senses that a sentence is out of order, tell him to move that sentence on the piece of paper that is written on around until he is satisfied that it correctly follows the one before it. Then, have him read those sentences aloud again to determine if they are finally organized in the correct chronological order. Try this method and let me know if it works.

How can you Help your Child with ADHD to Decrease his Excessive Verbiage?

Children with ADHD have all of their thoughts spinning around in their minds. They just cannot wait to say what is in their thoughts. Seemingly, they must say those thoughts immediately, which they express as excessive talking and continuous verbiage.

What can a parent do to help their child with ADHD to decrease the amount of verbiage that they are expressing?  This social skill is one that requires children with ADHD to learn how to self-regulate their verbiage.

The first thing that must be done is for the child to realize both the amount and the speed of his verbiage. In consideration of the fact that children with ADHD are not typically characterized by self-awareness, this is the pivotal part of helping him to diminish his excessive talking.

A feasible way to help the child to become aware of how much and how fast he is speaking is to have someone videotape him speaking to you. I would video three or four segments at various parts of the day, so that he can see that he speaks in this way on numerous occasions throughout the day.  Nowadays, videotaping is an easy task, because every Smartphone has a video component.

It is imperative however, that the child does NOT think that he is weird and/or that he does NOT think that is doing something really terrible. Children with ADHD arguably have low self-esteem and you certainly do not want to make him feel worse about himself.

Watch the video with your child and ask him general questions about his interactions with you in the video. If he does not see how he is speaking, then very carefully, ask some more direct, specific questions, as I have written below.

Ask your child the following questions about his behavior in the video:

v How close is he standing to you? Is he standing too close to you?

v Is he waiting for you to answer his questions, or does he just keep talking?

v Does his talking escalate into more and more and faster and faster talking, without him waiting for answers?

v How are you reacting to his excessive talking?

v Are you trying to stand further away from him as he speaks?

v Are you trying to answer his questions but unable to answer them because of his excessive talking?

v Do you appear frustrated as he is speaking to you, because it is very difficult for you to answer him because he does not stop talking?

v Does he appear frustrated that you are unable to answer his questions?

Observe his reactions as to how he is talking in the videos, so that you can gauge your next step in terms of teaching him how to self-regulate his excessive talking.

Let me know how your child reacts to his excessive talking on the videos, so that I can describe some interventions that you can try.

Survey for Teenagers

Dr. Esta M. Rapoport
Email: estamrapoport@gmail.com
Blog: adhdanswers.blogspot.com
Twitter: adhdanswers

Survey on Teenagers with ADHD

ALL ANSWERS TO THIS SURVEY WILL BE CONFIDENTIAL. NO NAMES WILL BE USED.

Instructions: Please type answers and send them to me on a separate piece of paper than the one that includes the questions. Please answer the questions in as much depth as possible, and email your answers to me at estamrapoport@gmail.com.  Feel free to write as much as you like in addition, especially whatever pertains to your emotions and/or feelings. You will be helping the many teenagers with ADHD who have academic and/or social difficulties who struggle to get through each and every day. I am very grateful for your input.

Dr. Esta M. Rapoport

Part 1

1.      When and in what circumstance did your parents tell you that you had ADHD?

2.      How did your parents describe ADHD to you?

3.      How were you sure that you understood what having ADHD meant?

4.      How did you feel about having ADHD?

5.      How did your parents respond to the fact that you had ADHD?

Part 2

           6. What symptoms did you exhibit as a young child?

7.      What symptoms do you exhibit or have you exhibited as a teenager?

8.      What symptoms did you exhibit as a child that have diminished when you became a teenager?

9.      If those symptoms diminished, why do you think that happened?

10.  What added symptoms do you exhibit or have you exhibited as a teenager that you did not exhibit as a young child?

11.  How have the symptoms or did the symptoms of your ADHD affect your school work and your grades as a teenager?

Part 3

          12. How is having ADHD or how has having ADHD been difficult during adolescence?

13.  How does having ADHD affect your self-confidence and self-esteem as a teenager, or how has having ADHD affected your self-confidence and self-esteem as a teenager?

14.  How do or did your parents respond to you when you experienced difficulties in your teenage years?

15.  How do your siblings respond to you or did your siblings respond to you when you had difficulties as a teenager?

Part 4

           16. As a teenager, what have you told your friends or what did you tell your friends 
                 about having ADHD?  If you told your friends that you had ADHD, how did they 
                 respond?

17.  As a teenager, what have you told or what did you tell your extended family about having ADHD? If you told your extended family that you had ADHD, how did they respond?

18.  How does having ADHD affect your social life, or how has having ADHD affected your social life, specifically being able to make and keep friends?

Part  5

           19. Have you been bullied or were you bullied as a teenager? (If you were not bullied,
                 were you teased?) If you were bullied or teased, what was done to you?

20.  What do you think was the cause of being bullied? (or teased-please clarify)

21.   How was being bullied (or teased-please clarify) related to your having ADHD?

22.  What did you do to stop being bullied? (or teased-please clarify) How did the techniques work that you used to stop being bullied? (or teased-please clarify)

Survey for Pre-Teenagers

After a house fire, I am finally returning to writing my book on pre-teens and teenagers with ADHD. I am copy and pasting here a survey for pre-teenagers with ADHD. If you have a pre-teen with ADHD, I would so appreciate if you would permit your child to complete my survey and email it to me.

Here is the survey:

Dr. Esta M. Rapoport
Email: estamrapoport@gmail.com
Blog: adhdanswers.blogspot.com
Twitter: adhdanswers

 Survey on Pre-Teenagers with ADHD

ALL ANSWERS TO THIS SURVEY WILL BE CONFIDENTIAL. NO NAMES WILL BE USED.

Instructions:

Please type answers and send them to me on a separate piece of paper than this one that includes the questions.

Please answer the questions in as much depth as possible, and email your answers to me as soon as possible at estamrapoport@gmail.com. 

Feel free to write as much as you like in addition, especially whatever pertains to your emotions and/or feelings. You will be helping the many pre-teenagers with ADHD who have academic and/or social difficulties who struggle to get through each and every day. I am very grateful for your input, and pre-teenagers with ADHD will be grateful as well.

Dr. Esta M. Rapoport

 Part 1

1.      When and in what circumstance did your parents tell you that you had ADHD?

2.      How did your parents describe ADHD to you?

3.      How were you sure that you understood what having ADHD meant?

4.      How did you feel about having ADHD?

5.      How did your parents respond to the fact that you had ADHD?

Part 2

6.      What symptoms did you exhibit as a young child?

7.      What symptoms are you exhibiting as a pre-teenager?

8.      What symptoms did you exhibit as a child that diminished when you became a pre-teenager?

9.      If those symptoms diminished, why do you think that happened?

10.  What added symptoms do you exhibit as a pre-teenager that you did not exhibit as a young child?

11.  How are the symptoms of your ADHD affecting your school work and your grades as a pre-teenager?

Part 3

12.  How has having ADHD been difficult during pre-adolescence?

13.  How has having ADHD affected your self-confidence and self-esteem as a pre-teenager?

14.  How do your parents respond to you when you experience difficulties in your teenage years?

15.  How have your siblings responded to you when you had difficulties as a pre-teenager? (No siblings? Do not answer)

Part 4

         16. As a pre-teenager, what have you told your friends about having ADHD? If you told
              your friends that you had ADHD, how did they respond?

          17.  As a pre-teenager, what did you tell your extended family about having ADHD? If  
                you told your extended family that you had ADHD, how did they respond?

          18. How has having ADHD affected your social life, specifically making and keeping
             friends?

                                                   Part 5

19.  Have you been bullied as a pre-teenager? (If you were not bullied, were you teased?) If you were bullied or teased, what was done to you?

20.  What do you think was the cause of being bullied? (or teased-please clarify)

21.   How was being bullied (or teased-please clarify) related to your having ADHD?

22.  What did you do to stop being bullied? (or teased-please clarify) How did the techniques work that you used to stop being bullied? (or teased-please clarify)

ADHD and Anxiety

Do you have a child/adolescent with ADHD and anxiety? Do you teach a child with ADHD who experiences anxiety as well?

Many children with ADHD have accompanying anxiety. You probably are asking, “Which comes first? Does one cause the other? If your child has ADHD and anxiety, or if you teach a child who has ADHD and anxiety, which do you treat first?”

It is difficult to say as to whether or not a child’s symptoms of ADHD caused him to become anxious. Children with ADHD typically do not have an accurate worldview. Therefore, they oftentimes do not realize that the symptoms of ADHD that they exhibit annoy other children. For those children with ADHD who do notice that other children rebuff them due to their symptoms such as excessive talking, for example, they may become anxious every time they need to speak.

In all reality, it does not matter whether ADHD precedes anxiety or if anxiety precedes ADHD. What does matter is which disorder to treat first. I always treat the most acute disorder first, which in most cases, is anxiety.

As a parent or as a teacher, how do you know what brings about anxiety in a child or adolescent with ADHD? The only way to successfully find out what triggers anxiety in a child with ADHD is to observe the child’s behavior and then to anecdote their reactions to events.

The largest yield for success, however, is for the parent and the teacher to observe and anecdote the child’s behavior and then to compare and contrast their observations. In that way, the most salient of the triggers that causes these children with ADHD to become anxious will not only be revealed, but additionally, will be validated.

After the triggers of the child’s anxiety are confirmed, what helps to diminish it? What are some steps to helping the child/adolescent to diminish his anxiety?

1.      Help him to become aware of the symptoms of his anxiety, i.e., perspiring, shortness of breath, a desire to run out of a room, trembling, a stomach ache, among many others.

2.      Help him to become aware of when he is experiencing the symptoms of his anxiety.

3.      If he is unaware of when he is exhibiting the symptoms of anxiety, secure permission from his parents to videotape him interacting with others in his home, or in another setting where he has previously experienced anxiety, so that he will be able to observe his own behavior as he watches the videotape.

4.      View the videotape with the child and go over it as many times as needed so that he will ascertain the triggers of his anxiety.

5.      Write down a list of the triggers to his anxiety and the responses that he will learn to make as a way of diminishing the triggers that cause his anxiety.

6.      Design task cards with the child that will cue him to respond in a way that diminishes his anxious responses to specific events.

7.       Teach the child to self-talk his way through the steps that are written on the task cards as a way to diminish his symptoms.

8.      Teach him to self-monitor his own symptoms of anxiety and his responses to those symptoms on a chart each time he experiences them. (or as close to every time as possible)

9.      Encourage an ongoing conversation concerning the level of anxiety that he feels and most importantly, how successful he is at diminishing his symptoms.