I walked into the school where I would be working
for the next year and was stunned to see Timmy, an eight-year-old, curly
haired, mop-topped imp sitting right outside of the principal’s office. He had
his head down and was not talking to anyone. I sat down next to him and after
just a few minutes, tears began to flow gently down his cheek. He told me that
he was trying to make himself invisible so that no one could see him as they
walked by, because unlike him, they were going to gym class. Why was he not
going to gym class like everyone else?
His teacher
told me that he was not yet ready to go to gym, art, music, or recess with the
other children because he talked incessantly; he did not pay attention to
instructions; he interrupted whomever was speaking; and he continuously touched
others. How obstructive could a little boy’s behavior be that would prevent him
from attending classes and activities that would seemingly be fun for him?
In a way, one
could not blame his teacher. Apparently the last time he entered the gym, he
immediately darted to the closet where all of the equipment was stored and one
by one, threw each and every piece of equipment out onto the gym floor. In
fact, he threw some of the balls at the other children.
His behavior was certainly obstructive. However, was
there not one teacher who could try to teach him how to behave appropriately?
Timmy’s teacher quickly told me the answer to that question. She said that “He
just wouldn’t listen.” She also told me that she “just didn’t have the time to
work with one child.” Timmy was one student in an eight-student class. Was she
kidding? Her response gave me a clear picture of how she felt about Timmy and
his behavior.
I know that you are asking yourself, why did Timmy
exhibit these socially inappropriate behaviors? Why did he exhibit poor social
skills? Timmy had a diagnosis of attention-deficit/ hyperactive disorder (ADHD)
as well as a diagnosis of giftedness. The following is the accepted definition
of ADHD according to the Diagnostic and
Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5):
A persistent pattern of
inattention and/or hyperactivity-impulsivity that interferes with functioning
or development as characterized by (1) and/ or (2): Inattention: Six (or more)
of the following symptoms have persisted for at least 6 months to a degree that
is inconsistent with developmental level and that negatively impacts directly
on social and academic/ occupational activities: Often fails to give close
attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, at work, or
during other activities often has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or
play activities often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly often
does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores,
or duties in the workplace often has difficulty organizing tasks and activities
often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to engage in tasks that require
sustained mental effort often loses things necessary for tasks or activities is
often easily distracted by extraneous stimuli is often forgetful in daily
activities Hyperactivity and impulsivity: Six (or more) of the following
symptoms have persisted for at least 6 months to a degree that is inconsistent
with and that negatively impacts directly on social and academic/ occupational
activities often fidgets with or taps hands or feet or squirms in seat often
leaves seat in situations when remaining seated is expected often runs about or
climbs in situations where it is inappropriate often unable to play or engage
in leisure activities quietly is often “on the go,” as if “driven by a motor”
often talks excessively often blurts out an answer before a question has been
completed often has difficulty waiting his or her turn often interrupts or
intrudes on others Several inattentive or hyperactive-impulsive symptoms were
present prior to age 12 years. Several inattentive or hyperactive-impulsive
symptoms are present in two or more settings. There is clear evidence that the
symptoms interfere with, or reduce the quality of, social, academic, or
occupational functioning. Specify whether: 314.01 (F90.2) Combined
presentation: If both Criterion A1 (inattention) and Criterion A2
(hyperactivity-impulsivity) are met for the past 6 months. 314.00 (F90.0)
Predominantly inattentive presentation: If Criterion A1 (inattention) is met
but Criterion A2 (hyperactivity-impulsivity) is not met for the past 6 months.
314.01 (F90.1) Predominantly hyperactive/impulsive presentation: If Criterion
A2 (hyperactivity-impulsivity is met and Criterion A1 (inattention) is not met
for the past 6 months (American Psychiatric Association, 2013, pp. 59–60).
In fact, if children with ADHD do not learn how to
diminish or self-regulate these symptoms, they may arguably spend their entire
adult lives feeling friendless, devoid of spouses, and having difficulty
obtaining and keeping a job.
As hard as it is for me to admit it, you can see how
a child like Timmy could be annoying for other children to have around. It was
just about impossible for Timmy to get children to like him, let alone to make
friends. Each time I entered the classroom, Timmy appeared to be happy.
However, within a few moments, his face showed more
and more sadness and hurt. Whenever he tried to talk to his classmates, they
would ignore him or make insulting comments to him. His behavior would then
suddenly become inappropriate. This was the cycle of Timmy’s behavior:
he would talk to his classmates; they would ignore
him or make hurtful comments to him; and then he would exhibit socially
inappropriate behavior that would irritate them. This cycle was prevalent
during all of his classes as well as throughout lunch.
When I came to school to work with Timmy, no one
wanted to sit next to him at lunch. Let us look at what typically happened. As
Timmy ate his lunch, if the other children did not get up from their chairs
immediately upon seeing him walking toward them and sit somewhere else, he
would speak to them. They would say insulting comments to him, such as, “Oh no,
here he is again, the talking monster,” or “The jumping jack in a boy’s body is
sitting here, yuck.” He would then exhibit inappropriate behavior, such as
purposely chewing his food with his mouth open.
The other children would then say to me that “He
grosses us out.” Since Timmy clearly did not understand how his behavior was
causing his peers to respond to him in a negative way, he did not do anything
to change his behavior. I tried to talk to Timmy to help him to understand
exactly why his peers were rejecting him, but he just did not understand. He
would speak to me about feeling rejected and unwanted but just did not
understand the origin of his own socially inappropriate behavior. (Rapoport,
2009, pp. xiv–xv).
Do you have a child who has experienced this type of
rejection, hurt, and pain? If so, please reach out for help before his
self-esteem is negatively affected.
