Do you Feel Guilty in Terms of your Child having a Diagnosis of ADHD?

You may experience three sources of guilt. The first is related to your typical child. There is absolutely no time in the morning but to try to get everyone into the car to go to school. Sometimes, you forget something that your typical child needs for school and are left running there to bring him that object. You are left with such sad feelings because you forgot about his needs! By the time 9:00 a.m. arrives, you are definitely ready for a nap. However, in all probability, you have to get ready for work and travel there yourself! Additionally, you may be upset that you spend so much energy managing your preschool child with ADHD’s behavior, as compared to the time you spend with your typical child, but what can you do? Nothing! 



The second is related to your concern that your preschool child’s ADHD is your fault. It is not fair to you. ADHD does run in families, but the reality of the cause of ADHD is unclear. It is not fair to blame yourself because there are so many possible causes for your child’s ADHD. As was stated previously, the reality of the cause of ADHD is not clear as of yet. “However, scientists have discovered a  strong genetic link since ADHD can run in families. More than 20 genetic studies have shown evidence that ADHD is strongly inherited. Yet ADHD is a complex disorder, which is the result of multiple interacting genes” (https:// chadd.org/about adhd/overview/#sthash.Dmdenc1v.dpuf). However, your preschool child’s ADHD may or may not have a genetic basis. 



The third is that you may be thinking that the cause of your preschool child’s ADHD may be related to your parenting skills or techniques. Whereas parenting skills do interact with your child’s behavior, they are not the cause of your preschool child’s ADHD. So, can you or should you blame yourself? No! First of all, blaming yourself for your child’s symptoms is not productive in terms of diminishing these symptoms. Second of all, condemning yourself for anything negative as related to your child is way too stressful.

Are you Feeling Stress Homeschooling your Child who has ADHD?

Life during this pandemic has certainly changed what we do as parents in our day to day lives. Previously, we got up every day and spent a substantial amount of time getting ourselves dressed and getting our children dressed, fed, and ready for school. Now, in addition to doing all the things in the morning that you typically do, you are also expected to teach your child academics. How difficult is it to teach your child? It is extremely challenging. Why? Your child with ADHD undoubtedly has trouble concentrating and focusing in his classroom, nonetheless, is being taught by you in your home. What happens?

You begin to homeschool your child and then “poof!” his behavior escalates into hyperactive and/or inattentive behavior so that each and every minute seems to last for an hour. You certainly try to teach him, but that mountain of unfocused behavior interferes with your effort. Then your stress begins. You become stressed, frustrated, upset, and ready to give up. You begin to reprimand your child for behavior that he cannot control. Then, you feel guilty about yelling at him.

Please do not blame yourself endlessly and please do not stress yourselves out trying to do something that you are trying that is so hard to do. Even if you are a teacher, working with your child with ADHD is very challenging. You can only try your best. When you experience stress, it is counterproductive to your being able to successfully teach your child and probably gives you headaches, stomach aches, or worse. Additionally, if you get up each morning dreading to teach your child because it stresses you out, you will needlessly suffer and arguably, your child will not learn to his full capacity.

The only way to get through this difficult time of teaching the same academics to your child that is required according to your school district is NOT to have unrealistic expectations for yourself. Even people who are teachers themselves have a hard time teaching their child with ADHD.  The advantage that you have in consideration of the fact that you are teaching your child with ADHD is that you are in your home with devices that you can use to help your child to focus. So that being said, before you teach your child, have him do the following:

1.     Some form of exercise

2.     Take four deep breaths

3.     Put on some music that he likes and have him dance to the music

4.     Include him in making breakfast

The most important issue, however, is please do not expect yourself to be perfect. Any effort that you are doing is extraordinary. Please just keep your sense of humor and you and your child will remain calm and succeed in both of you learning!

The Corona Virus: Help for Parents who have Children with ADHD

All of us are unfortunately in the same situation of living in close quarters for a long period of time due to the spread of the Corona Virus. It is almost untenable for adults, nonetheless for children who have ADHD. Why can’t I see my grandparents? Why can’t I see my friends? Why can’t I go to school? Why do I have to stand far away from another person? My heart goes out to you, these children’s parents because you are dealing with children who are vulnerable and may have a comorbid anxiety in addition to their ADHD. You are also dealing with your own anxiety about how to remain virus free.

You have a new responsibility for which you may not be trained; you are now homeschooling your children. Please be aware that during the homeschooling process which may not be easy, how you respond to your child’s behavior is paramount. You are also accountable and responsible in terms of making sure that your child completes all of his assignments and hands them in to the teacher on time.

What can you do to manage your child’s behavior in this uncertain time when none of us especially our children with ADHD understand what is happening in our society right now?

Here a few hints that I hope will help you.

You must always respond intentionally to any possible changes that have occurred as a result of the spread of the Corona Virus. In that way, you are able to reply to the ramifications of the virus in a calm and thoughtful way, instead of immediately reacting, which may result in undesirable and negative behavior by you. Your responses to this change in your life will serve as a barometer for your preschool child with ADHD’s responses to the changes in his own life.

The following are some questions that you might ask yourself about this terrible occurrence of Corona Virus:

The most important thing that you can do when a drastic change occurs in your family’s life such as the onslaught of this horrible virus is to try to immediately have a conversation with your child with ADHD about the virus.  I am going to list some possible questions here. However, here is a caveat: If your child does not want to talk, do not try to force him to talk about the virus. Instead, see if he will draw some pictures to represent how he feels, or if he will tell you what to draw that will represent how he is feeling. If he will not draw, just wait it out in the hope he will be ready to talk very soon.

     Does he realize that the virus has occurred?

     What does he think about the changes that have occurred in his life due to the spread of the virus?

     What are his feelings related to the spread of the virus and the changes in his life?

     Has he spoken to anyone about the virus?

     If he did so, about what did they talk?

     What changes has he noticed in his own behavior since he has been sheltered in his house?

     What changes has he noticed in his sibling’s behavior since they have sheltered in their house?

     What changes has he noticed in his parent’s behavior since they have been sheltered in their house?

As you are reading my list of questions, please realize that the answers to these questions will be dependent upon the level of maturity and/or developmental level of each and every child with ADHD. One child may be able to answer only one question while another child might be able to answer all of these questions. Just have patience while you are waiting for the answers to these questions because children with ADHD will need approximately eight to ten seconds to form their thoughts and respond to each question.

Please feel free to write me here or email me at estamrapoport@gmail.com or on Twitter at @adhdanswers and I will help you as much as I can.

WHAT STRESS SHOULD I ANTICIPATE IN TRYING TO MANAGE THE BEHAVIOR OF MY PRESCHOOL CHILD WITH ADHD?

The amount of stress that you experience depends to a large extent on what kinds of events cause you to become anxious. Some people become frazzled in their work environment and not in their home environment. For others, the opposite is true. How each person deals with the impact of stress is also individual. Perhaps stress and how each person responds to it may be related to whether or not these individuals have other successes in their lives. Perhaps it is related to whether or not they have friends. Perhaps it is related to whether or not they have a successful relationship with a significant other. Perhaps a person’s stress is related to something out of their control and of which they are not aware.

So, it appears that stress and how it affects each person is related to an intersection of many variables in their lives. It is also important how long that a person permits stress to affect them. Do you have stress at work and let it affect your interaction with your child? If your child spills a cup of juice on your wood floor, do you start yelling at him instead of realizing that these types of things happen and have him help you to clean it up? As has been stated previously, none of us are perfect. Therefore, if you have had a stressful day at work, on that day, it just may happen that you reprimand your child more harshly than he deserves.

Just remember, however, that preschool children with ADHD react differently than children who do not have ADHD. Their self-esteem may not be formed yet and in fact may be negatively impacted by their ADHD, so they may become more upset than a typical child. These children certainly do not mean to behave in an inappropriate way. Therefore, they are not exhibiting socially inappropriate behavior on purpose!

As I have stated previously, these children are somehow reprimanded and yelled at all too frequently, so if you have done so, just try not to let it happen all of the time. If it does happen, explain to your child that you have had a rough day at work and that you did not mean to yell at him for whatever he did.

A child’s socially inappropriate behavior may result in harsh parental reactions which may, in turn, increase the preschool child with ADHD’s socially inappropriate behaviors even more. It is possible that if you intercede by talking to your child about the negative behavior that you feel he should not have exhibited, you may have interrupted the child’s socially inappropriate behavior just enough to stop it for that moment.

Back to stress. . . . The reality of raising a preschool child with ADHD is that you will be dealing with stress as related to the behaviors that your child exhibits, the reactions of people who witness your child’s behavior, the attitudes of teachers toward your child, and the responses of your family to seeing behavior that is in all likelihood dissimilar to their own child’s behavior. Additionally, and even more important is that trying to manage your child with ADHD’s behavior every minute of every day, as a preschool child said, is “super” stressful.

It is imperative that you work on trying to control your own stress, (and clearly that is not easy), so that your child does not pick up negative signs from your behavior. You almost have to develop a turtle shell so that you are not constantly upset. Acting as if other people’s negative responses to your child’s behavior does not affect you is very difficult, but it is essential to try to do so.

The situation that is one of the most difficult is that every simple request that you ask your child to do may result in him behaving in a socially inappropriate way. That is arguably the most stressful part. The only way to diminish your stress (because you will in all likelihood not erase it) is to think intentionally and ahead of time about all of the possible socially inappropriate behaviors that your child might exhibit. In that way, when and if these socially inappropriate behaviors occur, you will have a plan of action as well as a barometer of your own stress.

Make a list of the socially inappropriate behaviors that you have observed over a five-day period of time. Next to each behavior, write a possible response for yourself. The use of the word “response” here instead of the word “react” should indicate to you that your behavior must be well thought out and planned. In the introduction to my book, Positive Behavior, Social Skills, and Self-Esteem: A Parent’s Guide to Preschool ADHD, by Rowman and Littlefield, you will find a discussion of this predetermined way of thinking. A reaction is a quick and uncontrolled behavior. A response is well thought out and strategic. The discussion of this thought process is stated again here to emphasize how important your behavior is to your child’s behavior. If you are organized and intentional in your mind ahead of time, you will respond (and not react) to your preschool child with ADHD’s behavior in the best way possible, while experiencing as little stress as possible.

SHOULD YOU PERMIT YOUR PRESCHOOL CHILD WITH ADHD TO ENGAGE IN SCREEN TIME?

You have probably observed that your preschool child with ADHD needs stimulation and is always looking for something to do, which in many cases involves a screen. Therefore, it may be your cell phone, an iPad, a tablet, a computer, or a television. Do parents (including me!) employ

these screens as a respite from the behavior that our children exhibit that is negative or socially inappropriate? Absolutely! Who could blame you? No one! What is the influence of screens on preschool children with ADHD?

Screens offer preschool children with ADHD the opportunity to hyperfocus, or to lock in with intense concentration. These children need stimulation, and rewards and screens satisfy these needs. Preschool children with ADHD may become what I call “zoned out,” whether they are

watching a television show or playing a game on an iPad. You may be confused by the term “hyperfocus” and ask yourself, “What is she talking about? My child has difficulty focusing so how can she be talking about an intense focus?”

Hyperfocus is the ability to zero in intensely on an interesting project or activity for hours at a time . . . the tendency for children and adults with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD or ADD) to focus very intently on things that interest them. At times, the focus is so strong that they become oblivious to the world around them (Flippin, 2005, np).

Have you called your preschool child with ADHD to a meal, or asked him a question when he just stares ahead and does not answer you? Children and adults with ADHD have difficulty shifting attention from one thing to another. If they are doing something they enjoy or find

psychologically rewarding, they will tend to persist in this behavior after others would normally move on to other things. The brains of people with ADHD are drawn to activities that give instant feedback (Barkley, 2005, np). Preschool children with ADHD appear to exhibit less hyperactivity and/or inattentiveness during a period of hyperfocus, which typically occurs when they watch a television show, play a computer game, or a game on their iPads.

Is hyperfocus a good thing? It is advantageous to intensely focus on completing a puzzle or building an intricate Lego structure. Many young children play iPad games or watch television. However, there may be damaging effects of these screen-involved activities depending on the

length of time that they are engaging in them. There is much research that indicates that there may be some negative side effects as related to your children using screen time.

As your child grows, keep in mind that too much screen time or screen time that is of poor quality has been linked to

• obesity

• irregular sleep schedules and shorter duration of sleep

• behavioral problems

• loss of social skills

• violence

• less time for play (www.mayoclinic.org, 2017, np)

A better goal for the parents of preschool children with ADHD for their child is to build their child’s creativity and independent play, which they are not going to do while he is concentrated on a screen. If your child is sitting on the couch staring at the television watching a show, or playing a game on an iPad, is he using his mind for creative play? My opinion is probably not, though there is room for some imagination when a child is accessing apps. I am not advising you to never permit your child to have screen time. Instead, I am saying that it would

be smart on your part to limit the time that your child spends on screens, as well as make sure that he independently plays.

Should you permit your child to use a screen during a meal? Just to return to your desire to keep your child seated at meals once again, please do not permit him to use any device with a screen that might zone him out during meal time. Meals should be a social time of finding out about your child’s day and simply conversing about everything. If your child is using an iPad or a mobile device during a meal, he will only be paying attention to exactly what he is doing in a hyperfocused way. In other words, your child may not be accessible to you during these meals if he is viewing anything with a screen.

That being said, why would you introduce your preschool child with ADHD to apps? Why would you not just have your child play with typical toys? As I have said before, preschool children with ADHD, especially those who are hyperactive, need stimulating materials and

activities to grab their attention. Therefore, apps for preschool children with ADHD are worth trying if you think that these children will be successful at them. They should be colorful and interesting to your child, however, accompanied by pleasing sounds and positive reinforcement.

More later… questions??

The ABC Chart

ABC CHART

Date/Start & end time	A=Antecedent: Location, activity, people, etc.	B=Behavior What did the child do?	C=Consequence What happened after the behavior

Retrieved from http://schools.nyc.gov/NR/rdonlyres/3CBEB620-5B0B-4824-B79A=
6.09F0731B2C/166366/ABCChartAllinOneVersion1Instructions.docx

Does your Preschool Child with ADHD Stay in his Seat at Meals?

Save yourself some stress by not expecting your preschool child with ADHD to sit still during a meal. In fact, one of the most aggravating behaviors that occurs with preschool children with ADHD is their reluctance to stay in their seats at meals. Why does this behavior occur? Well,

some reasons might be that they are not hungry or that they see something else that interests them. Additionally, they may be copying their sibling. The reason that they are not staying in their seat at meals does matter, however.

The point is that it is very hard to have an enjoyable family meal with a preschool child with ADHD jumping in and out of his seat. All you find yourself doing is reprimanding your child, which ends up stirring up more negativity between the two of you. Your end goal is for your child to stay in his seat at meals. Before you begin to implement any intervention, design an ABC chart. (I will copy the chart for you send it to you via this social media.) Your data from the chart will show you what happened before your child behaved in a certain way, what was the behavior that he exhibited, and what happened to maintain the behavior such as a reinforcement, a reprimand, or praise. Also included, is the date that the behavior started and ended. This data is invaluable in trying to get your child to stay in his seat at meals. Hopefully, you will gain an answer as to how to get him to stay in his seat at meals successively and over time.

 Additionally, try using a bit of self-talk. Say to yourself, for example, “I am not going to get annoyed. I will not show him that he is driving me crazy! I will remain calm and figure out a way to maintain my composure and keep my sense of humor.” Of course, as I have said before, the real trick to not allowing yourself to become annoyed and aggravated, and showing your child that you are disgusted and upset is to think ahead of time about what you will say. Fewer mistakes are made when you decide ahead of time exactly what to say to your child. Try to turn each and every negative situation into a positive one. I clearly realize that whether you have been working all day or staying at home with your child, you have a right to sit down to a calm and

relaxing dinner. That being said, find something that your child is doing that is positive and praise that behavior. It could even be, “I like the way you are spearing your pasta with your fork. You are being so neat when you handle your pasta in that way.” Praise goes a long way when it is used with preschool children with ADHD. Additionally, try to get your child to move before he sits down for a meal. Put on music, so that he will naturally move and/or dance. The

more movement that he does before meals, the longer that he will be able to sit in his seat at meals.

I have found a really great book that is literally titled, It’s Time to Sit Still in your Own Chair by Lawrence E. Shapiro. The author suggests an intervention that just might work with preschool children with ADHD, so I would suggest that you obtain that book and see what the author suggests to do. In fact, this book along with other similar books written by the same author is available on Amazon.

Okay, so what should you do now to try to help your preschool child with ADHD to sit in his chair for a meal? Instead of looking for a long-term yield of having him stay in his seat for thirty minutes at a time, set up a regimen where the goal of how long he sits at the table is shorter, for

example, two minutes This time, use a kitchen timer instead of the Time Timer. Even though your preschool child with ADHD can undoubtedly not tell time, he will be able to at least see the two-minute mark on the timer.

If you really want to be creative, buy an Amazon Echo and set a timer on it. Your preschool child with ADHD will think it is fun, which will make your entire experience a more positive event. You can set the Amazon Echo’s timer for any increment of time. You can set the timer by

using your voice. You can also ask how much time is left on the timer and cancel the timer. For example, you can say, “Alexa, set the timer for three minutes.” In fact, if you are wondering how much time is left, you can ask Alexa. When the time is up, an alarm will sound.

Some type of reinforcement is in order here, so think of something small that is in your preschool child with ADHD’s interest area. If you decide to use stickers, for example, do not just give him a sticker that he puts on his body or on the table. Buy him a blank sticker book so that your preschool child with ADHD can see the stickers accumulate that he received when he behaved in a socially appropriate way. Remember, in addition to these short-term goals, you always want to keep in mind the longest-term goal of all, which is, as I have said previously, positive self-esteem.

What would you do if your preschool child with ADHD does not really care about stickers? Find out what he really cares about, whether it is playing on an iPad for five minutes, watching a few minutes extra of his favorite show, drawing with a new marker, eating a snack after dinner such as fruit snacks, drawing outside with sidewalk chalk, blowing bubbles, or counting all of the change that you have collected in a cup in your room! In fact, you can give him one fruit snack (to be eaten after dinner), for each minute he remains in his seat at a meal! The only thing that

matters here in terms of the value of the reinforcement is whether or not he has a real interest in that reinforcer or reward. Oh, and you may have to change the reward frequently so that it does not lose its value.

You may also have to frequently change the schedule of the reinforcement. For example, you may begin this intervention by giving your preschool child with ADHD a sticker each time he stays in his seat for two minutes. Then, you can give him a sticker for every other time he stays in his seat for three minutes. When you switch to four minutes and then five minutes, follow the same plan.

I am repeating this information for emphasis: you may have to change the reward as well as the reinforcement schedule. You will carry out this intervention in an easier way if you design a chart similar to the ABC chart that I have included here in appendix B, that includes the start and

the end time of the task; the antecedent, or what happens before the preschool child with ADHD exhibits the behavior; the behavior; and the consequence, or what happens that maintains the behavior. Then you can complete each element of the intervention and see if he is improving in

the amount of time that he is sitting in his chair at meals. You can use the chart for two meals per day. In that way, you will be able to look at your data and try to determine if your preschool child with ADHD sits longer at one meal than another. Additionally, you will have data-driven proof, so that you can try to ascertain as to why he sits longer at one meal than another. Also, collect information such as the following: Are his siblings at one meal and not another? Do you and your spouse actually eat at one meal and not another? Does your preschool child with ADHD eat with his siblings? Does your preschool child with ADHD eat by himself? Are you on the phone when he is eating during one meal and not another? Are you rushing out with your preschool child with ADHD in the morning meal to get him to school and are more relaxed at dinner?

If your preschool child with ADHD attends school, ask his teacher if he stays in his seat at the meals that he eats there. How long does he stay in his seat while eating at school? Ask his teacher to write down the length of time that your preschool child with ADHD sits in his seat at

school when he eats. In that way, you can compare the time period that he sits at his seat at a meal at school to the time period that he sits in his seat for a meal at home. If you can answer these questions, then you can try to figure out which variables might possibly influence how long your preschool child with ADHD sits at a table at meals.