To Argue with your Preteen with ADHD or not to Argue: That is the Question

When I have meetings with the parents of the preteens with whom I work, they often come to me to tell me that all of a sudden they are arguing with their child with ADHD about every little thing, where as previously, they never argued. These arguments may be over what time to go to bed, what to eat breakfast, and what time to do homework, especially if the decisions concerning those issues have been constant. Preteens with ADHD also have been known to argue over what other children are permitted to do independently. Some children with ADHD argue about the weather. Others have been known to argue over whether or not they have both been arguing with each other, if only to argue about some issue!

Up until a certain age, parents typically mold their children with ADHD and as part of that experience, arguably, control what are their child’s responsibilities, schedules and activities. Sometimes, as arguably is the case in terms of only children, these parents allow themselves to become manipulated more often than in homes where there are multiple siblings, because their decisions only impact one child.

As children with ADHD grow older, they begin to reject their parents making decisions for them, and that is when “…the wild rumpus starts.” This is especially true with only children, especially if their parents have permitted themselves to become manipulated by their child. FYI: Every parent has been manipulated, one would assume, from one time to another.

However, the more that parents have been manipulated, the more that there is a struggle over control. What can you do in order to have peace in your household again, as well as to get along better with your child? Here are some ideas:

1.      Make sure that both parents agree with each other in terms of how to behave toward their child, as well as what decisions to make. If one parent agrees with the child, instead of agreeing with the other parent, a terrible imbalance of power will be set in motion that will be almost impossible to unravel.

2.      Try not to start arguments yourselves. Let the small differences of opinion go. You want to win the war, even if you have to lose a few battles.

3.      DO NOT ARGUE WITH YOUR CHILD! Realize that you, an ADULT, are in “combat” with a 10, 11 or 12 year old CHILD!

4.      The moment that your child begins to argue, ask her if she is upset about something that happened at school, on the bus, or with her friends. If she continues to argue with you, tell her that you will be happy to discuss that issue when she is calm. Tell her to come to see you when she would like to talk about what is bothering her. The moment that she begins to yell or scream, walk away until she calms down.

5.      When she comes to talk to you, drop everything to talk to her. Let her begin the conversation, and do nothing but listen to her conversation, until she stops talking. Do NOT discuss the fact that she was arguing with you, which would be a nonproductive discussion. Instead, tell her how happy you are that she came to discuss those issues with you, and that you will try to help her in any way that you can, now, and in the future, as well. This is the time to build trust, before she grows into a full-fledged teenager.

Hopefully, this intervention will encourage many more productive conversations with your child with ADHD and less arguing!