Do Children or Teenagers with ADHD who have been Teased or Bullied have Empathy for other Children who have been Teased or Bullied?

You may or may not have found lack of empathy on a list of symptoms that characterize children and/or teenagers with ADHD. However, surprisingly, I have found that oftentimes, that that is arguably the case.

I have found that children and/or teenagers who have experienced social rejection may not feel empathy for those who are also struggling socially. I know that this sounds strange and even upsetting.  Amanda, (faux name) a ten year old girl with whom I work, plays occasionally with two children in her neighborhood, but does not have what I would consider “real” friends. She desperately wants to have many friends. Amanda had been bullied for years before she began to work with me. Thank goodness, she has put the lessons into practice that I have taught her, because she has not been bullied in quite some time.

Amanda told me that she observed a boy, Jack, (faux) who was in her class, annoy some of his peers by talking excessively, as well as standing very close to them while he was talking. Because of this behavior, as well as other similar behaviors, the other children constantly mocked and rejected Jack. Consequently, I asked Amanda if she felt badly for Jack that he was being teased and bullied. She said “No.” “He is so annoying, so he deserves what he gets.”

Amanda’s comment stunned me. Although she had been teased and bullied himself, for some reason, she did not feel badly that Jack was going through a similar experience. Amanda was bullied for reasons that were very complex and difficult to pinpoint. However, her desperate need to make friends might have been interpreted as her being vulnerable. She certainly had not exhibited similar behaviors as had Jack, but instead, was very quiet, often walking with her head down.

The cause of Amanda’s bullying, arguably, was her vulnerability. Children observed that she was quiet and did not interact with them, and interpreted her behavior as showing weakness. Therefore, she was a good target for their bullying. Amanda spoke of having experienced the rejection, the humiliation, the pain and the sadness that had all been associated with being bullied.

That being said, the important point here is that one would expect that those who had experienced being bullied would share similar feelings. Therefore, would it not make sense that Amanda would feel badly for Jack, who was experiencing similar feelings upon being bullied as had Amanda?

 According to Amanda, her situation and Jack’s situation were very different.  She said that she could not possibly feel badly for Jack because it was his fault that he had been so annoying! I explained to Amanda that no one has the right to bully or tease anyone else, no matter how they were behaving.  I also explained to her that in my opinion, Jack did not want to exhibit behaviors that annoyed his peers. I also suggested that perhaps Jack had other issues in his life that made him behave in a desperate manner in order to make friends.

In my mind, Amanda arguably might have behaved in a vulnerable way because she desperately wanted to have friends, as well. Amanda still insisted, however, that “He is annoying and smells and deserves everything he gets.”

Has anyone experienced their child with ADHD or their student with ADHD NOT empathizing with others? Why is this issue so important?  We will talk about the importance of children with ADHD understanding both their feelings as well as other children’s feelings tomorrow.

Let me know your thoughts…