Anxiety, Manipulation or Both? What should a Parent do?

Here is the scenario: Your teenager with ADHD has fallen behind in some of his subjects, and has finally agreed to stay after school for extra help, which is a huge, positive decision on his part. In order to stay after school, however, he has to take the late bus home.

He has already successfully taken the late bus home several times. One day, he goes on the bus and there is a new driver who seemingly to your child, does not know the route as well as he should. In fact, your teenager tells you that he had to tell the driver how to get to his house. He then tells you that he is very annoyed because his stop is the last one on the driver’s route.

He goes to school the next day when he is supposed to stay for extra help again. When it comes to the time that he is supposed to take the late bus home, he starts continuously leaving voice mail messages and text messages for you, becoming more and more anxious with each message. The messages that he leaves for you state that he is afraid to take the late bus home. He tells you over and over again that he is afraid to take the bus because the driver does not know the stops, and that he wants you to pick him up immediately.

You finally go to pick him up, but you ask yourself: Will this be a constant problem that may only be solved by my picking him up, instead of him taking the late bus like the other students? Is your teenager manipulating you? Did he not say that he was annoyed because his stop was the last one?

Is it possible that he just does not WANT to take the bus and is more comfortable when you drive him home? Do you not have a right to stay at your job and finish the work that YOU have to do, or go to do some errands in a relaxed and less stressful rush than hurrying to his school to pick him up?

What should you do? Should you pick him up the two or three days that he stays after school for help? If you do so, will you allay his anxiety, or will you prevent him from dealing with his anxiety over a problem that may not be as looming as his perception of it. (You already called the school bus company and the supervisor told you that the driver is new, but knows the location of all of the stops.

Have any of you experienced this problem? What strategies did you use?

ADHD, Anxiety, Learned Helplessness and their Impact upon Academics

What happens when children with ADHD become teenagers with ADHD, in terms of their ability to complete their academic work? In elementary and middle school, the quantity of school work that is required by children may seem to be more than when we were growing up. However, the quantity and quality of academic work that is required of teenagers in high school grows exponentially with each year. The symptoms of these teenagers’ ADHD impact their academic work to an even greater extent than in the earlier grades. Additionally, if a teenager is characterized by ADHD and anxiety, their executive function difficulties become all the more complicated. Let me give you an example.

One of the teenagers with whom I work who has ADHD and anxiety, had an assignment in which he was required to write a continuation of what he thought might have have happened next in a Shakespearean play that his class had been reading. The students were not required or even asked to write this scene in Elizabethan English. This young man is a voracious reader and has a reading level that is well beyond his years, both in terms of decoding and comprehension  

However, his anxiety froze any ability that he might have had to write the required scene. I worked with him and together we traced what he could write. For example, if the main character had stayed in the room instead of running out, what might have happened next. We talked about several scenarios and he chose one.

He was supposed to go home and tell his Mom (who acts as a scribe for him due to the fact that he has a written language disability) what he wanted to say. Then, she would type the scene for him. You may be asking yourself why he does not type on the computer himself. He types very slowly, so for now, we are having his Mom write/type these assignments for him, just at the very least, to get him to complete his assignments.

We had an overall power outage this past week due to the October snowstorm, so he did not have school. The afternoon of the first day back at school, I met with this teenager, and asked if he had completed the English assignment. He began to behave in a very immature way, rolling his top lip over his bottom lip, and making sort of whining sounds. He finally told me that he had not done the English assignment. I asked why he had not completed the assignment.

He told me that he had asked the teacher in the learning center for help, but that she had helped him with another essay that he had not completed that was worth 100 points. I then redirected the conversation to find out the reason why he had not done the assignment. It appeared that due to the anxiety of the assignment, he just could not get himself to do it.

He told me that more straight- forward assignments, such as math or social studies were not a problem for him. He then told me that when he had to make things up, i.e., in this case a scene from a play, that he could not do it himself. I truly believe that this young man’s anxiety caused a type of writer’s block.

I have to tell you about another problem that I truly believe contributed to him not completing this assignment. He definitely has a type of learned helplessness, in addition to his ADHD and anxiety. He has learned over the years that he thinks that cannot accomplish certain things, which I believe is more directly related to his anxiety than his ADHD. Therefore, he will only complete those tasks with help.

When he first had this assignment, his first comment to me was “I can’t do this assignment. Ms. Smith will help me in the learning center.” The question was: How could I get him to do the assignment himself?  I told him that he could most certainly complete this assignment. However, there was no way that he believed what I said. I gave him several reasons why he could complete the assignment, but he did not agree with any of them.

I explained to him that this assignment was really no different than the scenes that he had made up with his brother when they were young and used imaginative play. I finally used humor to help him to understand that he could complete his assignment. He laughed, but still stated that he could not do the assignment.

Yesterday, I spoke to him in a very direct manner and told him that oftentimes teachers do not understand the impact of either ADHD or anxiety, in terms of students having difficulty completing assignments due to those issues.  They certainly understand that teenagers with ADHD need some help.

I continued our conversation by saying that since this is high school, however, the teachers also assume that students have learned self-regulatory skills which help them to complete and hand in all assignments on time. I then told him that I do not blame those teachers, because all assignments should be handed in on time by every student in the class.

In an effort to move this fifteen year old young man past his learned helplessness, I also told him that it is possible that some teachers might think that he was being lazy, or perhaps that he simply did not want to do the required work. He thought about what I said and was upset at the thought of the teachers thinking in that way. However, he still insisted that he could not do that English assignment.



I told him that he is so bright that his teachers expect him to hand in all of the assignments on time. I told him that he is the same as everyone else, in terms of handing in assignments. Then, he said to me, “But I am not the same as everyone else. I am different.” Before I give you my opinion of this young man’s comments, what do you think????

Do Children with ADHD have a Developmental Delay that will Diminish as they Mature? YES!!

“Since its earliest description, there has been debate as to whether the disorder is a consequence partly of delay in brain maturation or as a complete deviation from the template of typical development” (Shaw et al., 2007, p. 19649). In a study funded by the NIH, Shaw et al. (2007) found, in groundbreaking research, “that in youth with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder brain (ADHD), the brain matures in a normal pattern but is delayed three years in some regions, on average, compared to youths without the disorder.” The areas of the brain that reflect difficulties for children with ADHD are those that control self-regulation in their thinking, attention, and planning. Therefore, the maturation of the brain is quite normal, but merely delayed, which should assure teachers and parents alike that these children’s symptoms should diminish as they mature because at some point, the child will have normal brain maturation. This new information should offer teachers and parents great optimism concerning the academic prognosis of children with ADHD. So have the symptoms of ADHD changed? Most certainly not. However, perhaps we are beginning to gain a clearer understanding of ADHD that will help teachers to instruct children with ADHD in a more effective way.

Thet title of the Shaw et al. (2007) article is Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder is characterized by a delay in cortical maturation.

If you would like me to email the actual article to you, please contact me, and I will be happy to do so.

Child Psychiatry Branch, National Institute of Mental Health, Room 3N202, Building 10, Center Drive, Bethesda, MD 20892; and §Montreal Neurological

Institute, McGill University, Montreal, QC, Canada H3A 2T5

How do Children with ADHD Build Good Character?

Good character? How do we describe good character? Of course, everyone defines good character differently. I would include the following, among others, in a list of traits that describes  a  person
 of good character:

• Being considerate of others
• Being kind to others
• Following through on what you say you are going to do
• Being honest
• Being reliable and dependable
• Thinking about others’ needs before satisfying your own needs
• Being fair to others in social interactions

How do children build good character? One way is for parents to model good character. However, we all know that children with ADHD are distractible and may not have focused on their parents’ modeling of those positive behaviors. You can try to write social stories with children who have ADHD about incorporating the above qualities within their behavior. You can also role play with these children as well, giving them opportunities to behave as someone who is exhibiting the positive behaviors that are associated with good character.

Here is another method that you might try, which involves an open-ended questioning of the child with ADHD: Ask the child with ADHD the following questions based on certain scenarios. The topics listed incorporate the qualities of having good character that I delineated above.

Being considerate of others: You are traveling on a bus. You have a seat, but an older woman does not have a seat and has to stand. What could you do to show consideration to this woman?

Being kind to others: A child in school has asked to play with some of the other children. He walks by them as they are playing kickball. He asks if he can play and they say “We have the teams picked already.” What could you say to the child who was rejected in order to show how
the other children could have behaved toward him in a kinder way?

Following through on what you say you are going to do: On Fridays after school, many of the children have playdates. Sam’s (the child with ADHD) mom made plans for him to play with Eric right after school. In fact, they were supposed to travel to Sam’s house on the school bus. As
the boys were playing in recess in school, Sam said to Eric, “I do not want to have a playdate today. I want to play my video games by myself.” What would you do to teach Sam how to rectify the situation when he did not do what he said he was going to do? What would you instruct Sam to say and to do next time?

Being honest: You are walking down the hallway of school and see a five dollar bill on the floor. What would be the honest thing to do?

Being reliable and dependable: Maria and her parents had a fifteen-year-old dog who had trouble walking due to arthritis. Both of her parents worked late, but Maria came home from school at 4:00 every day. What should Maria do each day when she comes home that would be reliable and dependable?

Thinking of others’ needs before satisfying your own needs: Every day when Erin walks off the bus, she runs home to go on the computer and plays computer games. Steven, a classmate of hers, is also on the bus. He has a club foot that has not yet been operated on. Steven has difficulty getting off the bus and has to walk home by himself because his mom worked. He walked home very slowly, and by the time he approached his house, it was almost dark outside. What is it that Erin could do that would involve thinking of others’ needs before satisfying her needs in this situation?

Being fair to others in social interactions: Jim is playing Monopoly with Phil. Jim has played Monopoly for a long time with his brothers. Phil, however, does not have much experience playing Monopoly or any other board game. What could Jim do to behave fairly with Phil in their social interactions, as they played Monopoly?

In Response to my Own Blog Entry/Question: Have you Emailed a Teenager with ADHD and Received no Response? http://adhdanswers.blogspot.com/2011/10/have-you-emailed-or-texted-teenager.html

I

 A REAL SUCCESS STORY!!!!!

Before I drive back home from the Starbucks in which I am sitting, due to the power outage in our area, I have to tell you a great, short story. In my previous post, (to which I refer above), I have had a difficult time getting the children with whom I work to either email or text me. 

Last night, I learned that sometimes due to an emergency situation, things change. I have a Russian Tortoise whom we added to our household in 1991, whose name is Leonardo. At any rate, I really like this guy and want him to survive as long as possible. (I know that some of you are surprised that I am into turtles. I have always been so, ever since I was a child). My house began to get very, very cold because we lost our power on Saturday at about 2:00 P.M.

After finding out from our wonderful power monopoly, Con Edison, that we would not get our power back until Wednesday, November 2, I knew that Leonardo would never survive the freezing temperatures in my house until Wednesday. I had gone into his room to check on him earlier and he seemed warm, but when I went in to check on him a few hours later, he was very cold. I called one of the families with whom I work, who lives close to me and asked them if they could take Leonardo until our power returned.

They were so gracious and agreed to take him, immediately. I brought the turtle over to their house and both of the kids were enthralled not only with him, but additionally, with the idea of taking care of him.

I began to realize that this would be the best social skills lesson ever! This was certainly a lesson in responsibility. First of all, the child with whom I work had to keep their cat (aghhhhh) away from Leonardo. Second of all, he had to attach two different heater lights, one that was for the daytime and the other that was for the nighttime.

This Really is a Huge Deal!!

As I was leaving, I told him that I was going to give him another responsibility in addition to taking care of Leonardo. I told him that this added responsibility was to text me to tell me how Leonardo was doing. This may not seem like a huge deal to many of you. However, this child has always been too anxious to text anyone! He has a great phone and certainly knows how to text, but he has never done so. Last night, around 8:30, I received this text from the child with whom I work:

“Leonardo is okay. He seems bored. I’m having him stay in my room tonight with the door shut. Don”t worry about Lucky (the cat).”

Then, just now, I received this text:

“Leonardo is doing great. I have him next to me so I can watch him and my cat is locked out of the room.”

I guess that sometimes when something is so hard for a child to do and he realizes that others are depending upon him to do so, all of a sudden, it becomes easier to do so. I am so happy that this child finally texted and communicated with me. After all of my requests, who ever thought that an October snowstorm would get him to do something that he previously just could not get himself to do? Great story??

The Hurtful Moments: Teenagers with ADHD who are Ignored by their Peers

The teenage years are filled with experiences with peers that are both exhilarating and hurtful. There is no reason to talk about the exhilarating moments, because they speak for themselves. However, the hurtful moments need to be discussed.

The first place to begin our discussion is that teenagers with ADHD oftentimes misread their relationships with peers. In other words, they may think that they are a peer’s best friend even though that person does not think of them as their best friend. Just hanging out with someone does not mean that they are best friends. But your teenager says, “I have known her since kindergarten!” In the same way as people’s interests change, their friendships change, as well.

The vital issue here is that teenagers with ADHD have to learn to understand who are their friends, who are their acquaintances, and most importantly, who does not want to be either a friend or an acquaintance. Sometimes, this misreading of their relationships with peers may be self-protective.

Oftentimes, however, it may be that due to their ADHD, they do not have a worldview of their behavior. In other words, they do not see how others are observing their behavior. Other teenagers may be giving the teenagers with ADHD cues, so that they will understand that they do not want to interact with them. For example, an acute cue is that they do not invite that teenager with ADHD to their party.

A more subtle cue might be that when they are at a school football game, the teenager with ADHD might quickly walk up to the other teenagers and say hi and receive no response…none. Being ignored is one of the most hurtful things that can happen to a teenager, nonetheless, a teenager with ADHD who so desperately wants to make friends.

For example, the teenager is standing there waiting for their peers to talk to them and instead, they continue talking to their other friends, and ignore the teenager with ADHD in an obvious way. If the teenager stays there for some time, they begin to realize that they are being purposely ignored. Not only is the teenager with ADHD embarrassed, but additionally, they do not know what to do. Do they try to talk anyway? Do they walk away?

What ideas do you have as to what teenagers with ADHD should do after they realize that they are being ignored by their peers?

Have you Emailed or Texted a Teenager with ADHD and Received no Response…Why does that Happen?

Teenagers are literally and figuratively attached to their cell phones. That being said, they seem to find it difficult to email or text adults. Let’s talk about some possible reasons for this lack of communication.

Perhaps this difficulty has to do with anxiety concerning whether or not those conversations will be confidential.

Perhaps as fluid as the conversation between teenagers with ADHD and the adults may be, by the time that the teenager emails that adult, he does not know what to say.

Perhaps teenagers with ADHD have more difficulty writing about themselves than they do talking about those issues.

Perhaps they forget to write back.

Perhaps they are not aware of email courtesy; when you receive an email, you write a return email. (Many people are not aware of email courtesy, however!)

Have any of you experienced this problem and been

successful in getting teenagers with ADHD to email or text

 you back? Please tell us about it.