We seem to be hearing about incidents of bullying more frequently lately. It is possible that better communication of such terrible incidents is available due to the Internet or seemingly, maybe more children are being bullied. No matter what the reason, parents and teachers must understand, accept, and act quickly to stop children from being bullied.
If you are skeptical about whether or not children are being bullied, please read these stories from actual children who have been bullied. The names associated with these children are not their real names, but instead, are faux names.
This is a fact: Children with ADHD are often bullied or become bullies. The homeschool parents in my research and many others tried to prevent their children from being bullied as they had been in school by home schooling them. Of the children in my research, however, all reported being bullied when they attended school, as Daniel related:
Oh, um, this one kid, I was riding my bike down the sidewalk
onto Maple Street, and I come out of the gate. I turn and go
through this little area with trees. That’s where this little kid
jumped me. Well one day, I got past all that, and then crossed
the street. I have to turn again, go down the street, turn again,
coming through the gate that leads to this neighborhood. Well,
on the way down the road before the gate, this little kid, he
was riding a skateboard and like, he was just riding past me,
and like, he stopped and got off, and started riding very slowly.
Then he stopped and got off, and stood there and like tried
jumping in my way. So I had to turn around ’em real quick, and
I went kind of far, but then my pant leg got stuck in my chain.
So then I yanked that out. It embarrassed me. I started going
again. He caught up with me. He was just riding along the same
side as me pushing me, so I had to go on the grass and pedal a
lot faster.
As Daniel continued to talk to me, I had to hold back the tears. He told me in an emotionally laden voice another instance when he was bullied on the way home from school:
This one kid tried to steal my bike. He jumped on the back pegs
and started taking it from me, and whenever I’m coming home
from school, I have to be careful a lot because I’m riding my
bike. I was just walking my bike because they’re just too many
kids. I can’t ride around them, just walk it. And he jumped on
the pegs. I held a firm grip. He tried, like, yanking it out of my
hand. I ended up falling, and he fell along with the bike on top
of me, pressed it up against my chest. I couldn’t breathe.
Max spoke of his horrific experiences in one among several instances of his being bullied in school:
Actually, the boys make it a coincidence. You know how they’ll
have it so you forget your books and you’ll be made fun of?
When you’re not looking, they’ll take your books and hide
them somewhere. So when you’re in your darkest hour, when
everybody’s kind of laughing, like ohhhh, that’s when they’ll
turn on you.
Well, like one time when I was in the cafeteria with my
friends, with me and Bob one of the kids grabbed me and tried
to punch me. I mean, I don’t know why he grabbed me, I don’t
know why he tried to punch me, and then he was able to nick
me, and then later that day, when I was planning to get into the
portables, he came back up to me, he punched me. I didn’t do
anything; I just stood there.
One time, I tried fighting back but I started thinking about
my dad, and wondering, oh my gosh, what am I going to get
myself into? I’m going to have to face the wrath of my dad. So
I stopped, ended up being beaten up. I had to hide. They beat
me up like around the chest.
Yeah, I just want to be somewhere to fit. It’s like a circle,
everybody’s inside the circle except for me and some other
people. There are probably other people probably getting in,
they’re probably getting in, being happy and stuff and being
part of the crowd, while I’m still outside.
Do parents know that their children have been bullied? Some do. Daniel’s mom knew that he had been bullied and began to focus on the subject of bullying. However, she did not know how to start, as she told me later. Daniel always appeared to be confident and vulnerable at the same time. His confidence came in the form of jokes. His vulnerability came in the form of telling people about friendships that were either never made or made and never continued. Daniel’s mom told me about her and her husband’s focus on helping Daniel to handle the instances when he was bullied.
Daniel was having, was mostly having problems in middle school with bullying. He started coming home every day, and sometimes he came home crying. He’d come home with an asthma attack because the kids were jumping him, knocking over his bike, stealing his bike. My husband and I tried to encourage him to be tougher and stand up for himself but it’s not his nature. So, um, that was the main thing that I started to focus on.
Other parents do not know that their children have been bullied, as Debra confirmed. I began to believe that many parents did not know that their children were the victims of bullying. How could that be? Children who have been bullied often keep it a deep, dark secret, fearing reprisal from the bullies if anyone finds out. Oftentimes, if children do not discuss a topic, parents do not ask important questions related to that topic.
One of the children to whom I teach social skills commented to me recently that “When I am teased it is not a big deal because it is nothing major; it is just for a laugh.” I was stunned that he had rationalized that being teased does not hurt feelings but just makes other children laugh! I then asked him if having other children laugh at him hurts his feelings. He said no. These children need to be taught how to approach bullies and diminish their negative impact if they are to have fun and succeed in extracurricular activities.
Teachers and parents must look for signs from children with ADHD that will give them a clue as to whether or not they have been bullied. One sign may be when a child who was previously energetic spends most of his time hiding in quiet places, or perhaps no longer talks and laughs at the dinner table. Another signal may be that he does not want to leave his house.
One hint: Every teacher and every parent knows each child with ADHD’s typical behavior. If the child’s behavior is aberrant from his everyday behavior, try to speak to the child when no one else is around. Perhaps buy a book about a child who has been bullied and see if and how the child responds. A good book that teachers and parents can read to children with ADHD from six to twelve years old that teaches children how to behave toward bullies is Blue Cheese and Stinky Feet by Catherine de Pino (2004).
Whatever you do, follow your hunches and do not ignore the child’s atypical or unusual behaviors. A teacher has the luxury of reading to small groups of children at a time so the child whom the teacher suspects has been bullied does not feel pinpointed or subjected to embarrassment. The teacher should suggest that the child with ADHD spend private time with him or her to discuss his experiences of being bullied and to guarantee confidentiality.
Whether or not parents or teachers know if children have been bullied, it is nevertheless humiliating and damaging to a child’s self-esteem if it is occurring. Additionally, even if parents and teachers know that a child has been bullied, they usually do not know how to teach these children good defensive techniques to protect themselves from this horrific experience.
Educators and parents must teach children who have ADHD to be proactive and to tell an adult immediately if children are bullying them. Additionally, educators and parents must teach children who have ADHD the methods of approaching and interacting with bullies so that they are able to stop the latter from harassing them. You will find some books on bullying listed in the Bibliography from my book, particularly some books on cyberbullying, which is a new added danger to children with ADHD. (http://www.amazon.com/ADHD-Social-Skills-Step---Step/dp/1607092808/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1295624637&sr=8-1)
So, social skills deficits certainly are present in children with ADHD. These social skills deficits obstruct these children’s ability to make and keep friends and to have successful social experiences. We must all understand one thing: children with ADHD do not want to behave in a socially inappropriate way. They just cannot help it. They must be taught appropriate social skills over a long period of time to learn to regulate their own behavior, so they can make friends and experience successful social interactions.
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